Bristol Positive

How do I choose a good therapist in the area? - is one of the commonly asked questions in therapeutic circles. So if you are looking for a new counsellor, here are some tips.

Therapeutic change is most likely to happen if we can build a really good relationship with a counsellor. If we do not build a good relationship, lots of things simply will not happen. Trust and respect will not form, nor enjoyment or satisfaction from the process. Counselling can actually be fun, as well as painful at times. Although 'laughter' can be a 'defence' to feeling, my sessions are good humoured, when appropriate, and I spend time building the relationship with clients. These things are actually important. Counselling is not meant to be cold, distant, joyless or detached. WIthout this good relationship, motivation flags, certain deeper aspects of ourself are never reached and interest is lost.

Life is too precious to waste seeing counsellors and therapists who are simply not going to be effective for us or good value for money. Below I list six things to look for in a counsellor if you wish for a successful therapeutic relationship. Please let me know if you can think of any others. It would maybe take a few sessions with a counsellor, to answer these questions in your own mind. If you are feeling unsure about a new therapist, do discuss what you feel with them. They may learn something. You may be challenged as being 'resistant', self sabotaging of the process, or as having what's called a negative transference (old feelings about someone you don't like being transferred to the counsellor). The reality is you probably are. Sometimes negative transference is useful in therapy. Mostly it's not! If you feel unhappy with the relationship, is this going to support and motivate you to change? Be honest!

Six Qualities of Successful Counselling

1) Is the therapist self aware, smart? so there is a sense that they can collaborate with you 'at' or 'ahead' of your own level of awareness - a good counsellor or psychotherapist will have done a great deal of therapeutic work on themselves to look at areas where they are negatively limited and restricted in their own thinking, feeling and awareness. This helps them to open your awareness to better choices and to be a better counsellor for you.

2) Can the therapist 'know you', experience you? - empathy is extraordinarily important in all good therapy - a feeling of really being listened to.

3) Can the therapist succesfully challenge your position and denial? We all have the capacity to hoodwink therapists. Perhaps we overconcentrate on others instead of 'owning' our own part in what feels wrong - especially if there is a some aspect of our thinking or behaviour that is a blindspot or we do not want to admit to. An experienced therapist would gently confront you where appropriate - but at the same time leave you feeling cared for with dignity and respect.

4) Is the therapist warm, real, on your wavelength, engaging or humorous? - I think at least the first 3 are important, for we tend to build relationships with people we like. Ideally all of these qualities need to be present. Warmth is a sign of love and I believe that 'counselling is a work of love'. So some warmth very important, yes!

5) Do you feel you can respect the therapist for what she/he demonstrates experientially, can observe or feel about you or underpin with a theoretical base? The first two are very important, ideally all three. As for theory, I really do believe that a good theoretical understanding helps make a great counsellor.

6) Do you 'get a feeling' that this therapist has overcome some big life struggles herself courageously and succesfully? (a counsellor may not always tell you this). If you sense or know this, the therapist can act as 'a model of excellence' (NLP). After all, if someone can solve various (and maybe major) life issues of their own, they will better understand how to explore and support you in solving yours.

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